Insomnia

I don’t want to turn into a drug addict…I swear I really don’t…but I had a taste of the forbidden fruit…and OMG it was BLISS…pure, unadulterated bliss…It came to me in the form of a small white pill…with the name Ambien written on it… AHHHHH

For those that suffer insomnia, you know what I’m talking about…nothing beats a night of sound sleep composed of sweet vivid dreams. The type of dreams that you don’t want to wake from, but you force your eyes open because that damn alarm won’t shut off. I want that sleep…but I can only get that type of sleep, or any type of sleep for that matter, when I take Ambien.

Non habit forming my a$$!!!! I stopped taking Ambien, only because I don’t have any more left and I haven’t been to a doctor in two months.

It’s nights like this, the nights I can’t sleep (oh wait…THAT’S EVERY NIGHT) that make me really regret quitting my job and losing my health insurance.

It’s a drug all right. And I’m a drug addict, because I’m jonesing for that little white pill. I got the monkey on my back and it’s clawing its way up and down my spine.

TV doesn’t work, nor reading, nor listening to music…not even writing till all my thoughts are purged on paper can make my eye lids heavy so all I can do to stop the burning is sleep.

I look at my cats…and think…now that’s something I envy…sleep at a moments notice.

Sometimes I wonder if I bang my head against the wall…will it knock me out…just enough…that I pass out…and sleep.

OTC pills have long ago stopped working, just as warm milk…and that bottle of wine have stopped…and they say Ambien isn’t habit forming. Obviously the people that were involved in the clinical studies did not suffer from TRUE insomnia. Or else after one night of pure, uninterrupted sleep they would have found themselves doing crazy things just to get some more.

I’m sure somewhere in the fine print it says “once you stop taking Ambien you will never have a peaceful nights sleep AGAIN…UNTIL YOU START TAKING AMBIEN…AGAIN…so continue to fatten our pockets and dull your senses…and NEVER stop taking Ambien….Thank You”

And these are the things that come out of my mind…when I can’t sleep…

Scorpio
Your family responsibilities may be a little overwhelming this month, Scorpio. So be sure to spoil yourself a bit because it will help alleviate some of the stress. One idea we can offer is to indulge in Chanel’s Le Vernis Nail Colour (http://www.neimanmarcus.com). This is the little black dress for fabulous fingers this season. It helps you rev up your manicure with Black Satin, a limited-edition creamy black nail hue that will enhance your appreciation for burgundy and revitalize your divinely fashionable digits.

*Beautyscope courtesy of http://www.beautynewsnyc.com*

Why is it when someone rejects you does your mind have the hardest time letting go?

No matter what I do or how busy I get while doing it I still think about him.

And it’s soooo sad because I know he’s not thinking about me. But with all that is going on in my life…with all the BS I put up with…I still think about this person.

I’m not thinking about the past or wishing in any way I could go back…I’m just wondering how he is doing…and I don’t want to wonder. I want to reach inside my head and yank out all thoughts of him. He doesn’t have a right to still be in my mind…but I guess he’s still in my mind because he is still in my heart…no matter how small a piece he has…he is still in a place that he has no business being in. A place that he forfeited when he decided he didn’t want anything to do with me.

So my question shouldn’t be “why”, my question needs to be “how come”

Clinique Liquid Soap

With cooler weather on the horizon it’s time to find a cleanser that will do double duty. No matter what the season my skin is dry. During the warmer months I can get away with using a gel or foaming cleanser. But when fall and winter arrive my skin gets more and more parched.

I am faced with the choice of using a cleanser that cleans my skin while it strips it dry or I can use a cleanser that adds moisture as it cleans but also leaves behind a filmy residue.

If you read my other product review post you know that I don’t have any major skin care concerns. I just need a cleanser that can clean my skin without adding to the dryness.

I think I have found what I have been looking for in Clinique’s Liquid Facial Soap.

For those that don’t know Clinique has a 3-step skin care routine that involves a cleanser (which is in the form of bar soap and this new liquid cleanser), toner and moisturizer (the infamous DDL-Dramaticly Different Lotion)

I’m not big are bar soap, but I used Clinique’s way back in the day when I started with makeup. In my opinion the liquid version is far superior than it’s sister.

For one it is much easier to use and travel with. It comes in 6.7oz bottle with a handy pump, that can be locked during transit. The bottle itself is made of a heavy plastic. So no worries of it shattering on the bathroom floor.

Performance wise it takes a dime size to cleanse my whole face. It removes all makeup, even mascara. Best part is that it leaves my skin, clean yet not dry. There is no filmy residue and no tight feeling. I haven’t experienced any breakouts, but again that isn’t something I have problems with.

Clinique’s Liquid Soap is available in formulas of Mild -Dry to Combination, Oily Skin, and Extra Mild- Dry to Very Dry.

I use the Extra Mild formula.

Happy Shopping~~~~

Migraine + Mouth Guard= Bliss?

Is it possible to have so much stress, so much anger, pent up tension that in your sleep, or while you are watching TV, reading a book you cause yourself to get a headache???

Yes it is called a “tension” headache…but if you are like me and have an adversion to anything with Green Tea in it…well then you get a tension headache that performs like a migraine.

Pain so blinding that I would bang my head against my desk if I thought it would bring me relief…Hmmm???

I have taken so many pills in the last two days that I can start my own pharmacy within my body.

As I was laying in bed, wondering why life is oh so cruel, to make me endure this pain AND Paris Hilton, I realized that my jaw is so tightly pulled that just opening my mouth to talk makes me shut it close like a rubberband snapping back.

I ran to the bathroom to find that odd green case in my medicine cabinet. Within mere minutes of putting the clear, heavy plastic mold, made in the shape of my top teeth,I fetl a sweet release of pain.

Cool, right??? The only problem is…and sorry fellas…but my gag reflex isn’t as good as I thought it was.

Minutes of bliss is replaced with urges of wanting to throw up…salad doesn’t taste as good coming up.
And let me not forget that the constant swallowing (yeah, boys…you heard right!) is a pain.

How can one relax if one is trying to NOT choke on their own spit?

If ya have answer…please let me know…it’s been two days…and I’m getting premature wrinkles form squinting…all in order in an attempt to focus through the horrid pain.

Excerpt from my heart

You told me not to care, that I shouldn’t allow what others think of me or the fact that no one might not be thinking of me at all, bring me down.
It’s a hard thing for me to do when I am an emotional person.
I’m a water sign.
In one week summer will be over and what you did to me still hurts.
But I shouldn’t care that while I spent my summer grieving over a relationship that you never wanted, you’re living your life, trying to ignore that fact that you created this.
I shouldn’t care that you’re a very busy man and while you appreciate me asking you to hangout, watch a movie, it isn’t something you “really” want to do or you would have suggested it.
I feel, and I fear that I always will, that you feel sorry for me.
And that is why you wanted the “clean slate”.
You wanted to hang around and make sure that I didn’t let my life go to waste…while I sit and try to make sense of how I allowed you to hurt me.
And I shouldn’t care that I am a person guilt has forced you to stay in contact with.
And I shouldn’t care…that you are one of those people that is bringing me down.

I remember when the phone would ring and it would be him on the other end…breathing so deeply I thought he was asleep…I know I was.
I remember when hearing his name didn’t fill me with a regret so deep that I didn’t want to move backwards, forwards, or stay in the present.
I’m attempting to move on from a broken heart. And let me tell you this isn’t the first time and probably won’t be my last…But it is the one that is felt the deepest because…no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let go.

I want to hate him but with everything inside me I know that hating him isn’t being fair…But where was fair a month ago?

I remember when we were sitting in my apartment, holding each other, laughing.

I remember when we climbed into my bed and the whispered the words “I love you”

I remember when he took those very same words back and expected me to be fine.
It was as if my heart was ripped from my body, all mangled and bleeding…and he said “Here you take it …I don’t want it anymore”
I remember when the tears ran down my cheeks in a speed that I couldn’t compare to those I felt the day my mom died.

I remember when my mind broke because it couldn’t make sense of what my heart was feeling.
I remember when I didn’t know him.
Now I am left trying to remember a reason why I should.

Eraser- (one woman’s story)

The lights are bright, so bright that they almost blind me. They tell me to close my eyes. If I do that I will remember. I don’t want to remember.

But I do it anyway. I count down from 10 and before I know it I am waking up on a muggy, almost gray summer morning. Way too early for me. Yet I do it because you asked me to. Because I feel I have to prove something to you.

Thank God, I already had my clothes laid out. I dressed in a hurry, not paying attention to anything but the clock. My time is up so I run out the door to catch the bus.

The bus ride is slow. I try everything to keep my mind off of you, but it doesn’t work. Once off the bus the sun had completely hidden behind the clouds. There was no need for my sunglasses, other than the fact that I wanted to shield myself in some way.

I didn’t know what to expect. I was coming to you on my hands and knees, begging you to forgive me. I had nothing but those glasses to protect me from whatever you were going to dish out.

The second I stepped on the platform the train pulled up. The moment I stepped inside I knew there was no turning back. Whatever would happened I would always know that I wasn’t afraid to step up to the plate, and take a swing at the bat.

At each stop I looked at my watch, fearing I would late and you wouldn’t be home.

You were home, said you hurt your ankle, so you couldn’t come get me at the station…I had to come to you. I did it thinking I had something to prove.

Once inside your house, standing face to face with you whatever guard I had up fell to my ankles, as did my dress.

For months all I wanted was to feel your arms around me. To feel your breath on my skin.

During the time we were together I wouldn’t allow myself to think of after…What would happened between us?

Would there be an “us”?

NO!!!

You stood up, shook yourself off as if you were shaking my touch and scent off of you. Without looking at me, as you walked out of the room you said: “GET OUT!!!”

I was afraid that if I stood my knees would give out. I knew I hadn’t heard wrong…being straight forward was a trait I admired.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you, or cry in front of you. Even though the moment you spoke those words my pride and self-respect disappeared.

I went to your home, hoping you would take me back. Forgive me for choosing another man…just realize that I had made a mistake.

Instead you took your pain and threw it in my face.

You had sex with me…and then you threw me out of your house…and life.

I loved you. All I was left with was numbness, hurt and…

I remember walking out of your house the sun blinded me…just like these lights.

I open my eyes, for a moment. I need to know that this is REAL. I look to my left, the nurse is there, holding my hand.

As I drift back off to sleep I feel a small pinch…

Within a second a part of you is gone from me.

A part I will never get back because I will never get you back.

A year of my life with you in it…and it ends with me on a table, erasing you from my mind, heart and body…

Airbrushed in a compact

Anyone who knows me knows that I receive the most compliments on my skin. I am fortunate enough that while I take care of my skin much of my gratitude needs to be given to genetics. Both my parents have great skin. No telltale signs of age sipping through. (knock on wood) I don’t suffer with bad acne. I still get carded when I go buy cigarettes. (yeah…I know…that will kill my skin faster than using sandpaper as a washcloth), but without giving out my age…I AM WAY PASSED the legal age.

So when it comes to foundation I don’t tend to be too picky because it isn’t something I really need. My skin is clear, firm and has a glow that comes from within (glow=the need for anger management courses, LOL) but foundation is makeup. And if it’s makeup…I want it!!!

For the past 7 years I have been a faithful MAC StudioFix users. StudioFix is a powder foundation that gave me medium coverage without the mess of liquid. StudioFix also boosted my glowing to angel status. But SF was also heavy on my skin and rubbed off on EVERYTHING. SF didn’t last that long on me either. By mid-day I had to reapply . With all of my complaints I’m sure you are thinking “Why have I used it for 7 years?”

Because the color matched. As an African American woman finding a foundation that matches my skin tone, to as close to perfection as you can get, is like trying to find a bathing suit you will be happy with when you are PMSing…Impossible.

I will and have tried other foundations, but I always come back to SF. Recently I learned that Px (Prescriptives) came out with a new compact foundation. Back in the day, when I was getting my mkup fix 2 to 4 times a week, I used a few of Px products. One of the products I used was a compact foundation called Photochrome. But it was discontinued a few years back, hence my marriage to SF.

In comes…Anywear Multi-Finish Compact Foundation Spf 12. A mouth full to say, but on the skin it is worth my body weight in gold.

Prescriptives’ claim to fame is that at any Px counter you can get a custom blended foundation and powder for a somewhat pricey amount. I have used their custom blended foundation…Wonderful stuff…. AAA++++.

So again you ask “why is she using SF?” Because the custom blended powder comes in a mfugly compact and crappy puff. This flaw is due to the fact that the machine that presses the powder is still prehistoric and is shaped like a rectangle…Hello Px…circle wins the star. The rest of their compacts are circular…Eat the cost and redo the pressing machines…argh!
*side-note- if the compact, or casing isn’t appealing to my eyes I don’t care how wonderful the product…I can’t use it. Mfugly doesn’t work in my world.*

Not only does Px come out with a powder foundation that gives just the right amount of light to medium, meld into your skin coverage, they put it in a circular compact…and they have expanded their color range. What’s not to love???
Prescriptives, second claim to fame is that they break their products into color groups depending on your skin’s undertone. Blue/Red for cool undertones and Yellow/Orange for warm undertones. The great thing about the expanded shades is that my undertones can vary by season. Fall and Winter I have warm undertones. Spring and Summer I have cool undertones.

There are at least 4 different shades that I can use and still be very happy with. Usually any foundation that has SPF in it with break me out with cystic acne and (knock on wood) that hasn’t happened. I have been using the product for about a month and it has reached “holy grail” status.

It does however come off on EVERYTHING, but because of the perfect color match and flawless look I will ignore that small fault. The foundation last without a touch up mid-day…NOW that says something, considering I started using it mid summer.
So if you are in the market for airbrushed skin in a compact give Px Anywear a chance.

If you are an African American woman, or a woman having trouble finding a color match give Px, in general a chance. Their color selection in foundations have surpassed MAC’s IMHO.

Happy Shopping~~~~

Proceeding with caution

How do I make sense of the fact that I just told someone, whom loves me very much, that I can’t be with them? That I don’t want to be with them, not because I don’t love them back…but because I love them too much to stick around and watch me screw things up.

Screw things up by continuing to carry around fear and anger. I tried to explain it to him, but unless you have been hurt to the point that your only sense of recovery is cowering in a corner like a scared animal you won’t know how fear and anger can take the place of being able to love.

And when I say “love” I mean being able to be okay with allowing someone to get close enough to you so they can learn all of your secrets and your quirky ways.

It’s a game I have bet on over and over at this age I want to stop putting my chips on the table.

Because I never walk away a winner.

The house always wins…and I feel as if I have no home.

So I proceed with caution