How do I make sense of the fact that I just told someone, whom loves me very much, that I can’t be with them? That I don’t want to be with them, not because I don’t love them back…but because I love them too much to stick around and watch me screw things up.

Screw things up by continuing to carry around fear and anger. I tried to explain it to him, but unless you have been hurt to the point that your only sense of recovery is cowering in a corner like a scared animal you won’t know how fear and anger can take the place of being able to love.

And when I say “love” I mean being able to be okay with allowing someone to get close enough to you so they can learn all of your secrets and your quirky ways.

It’s a game I have bet on over and over at this age I want to stop putting my chips on the table.

Because I never walk away a winner.

The house always wins…and I feel as if I have no home.

So I proceed with caution