The lights are bright, so bright that they almost blind me. They tell me to close my eyes. If I do that I will remember. I don’t want to remember.

But I do it anyway. I count down from 10 and before I know it I am waking up on a muggy, almost gray summer morning. Way too early for me. Yet I do it because you asked me to. Because I feel I have to prove something to you.

Thank God, I already had my clothes laid out. I dressed in a hurry, not paying attention to anything but the clock. My time is up so I run out the door to catch the bus.

The bus ride is slow. I try everything to keep my mind off of you, but it doesn’t work. Once off the bus the sun had completely hidden behind the clouds. There was no need for my sunglasses, other than the fact that I wanted to shield myself in some way.

I didn’t know what to expect. I was coming to you on my hands and knees, begging you to forgive me. I had nothing but those glasses to protect me from whatever you were going to dish out.

The second I stepped on the platform the train pulled up. The moment I stepped inside I knew there was no turning back. Whatever would happened I would always know that I wasn’t afraid to step up to the plate, and take a swing at the bat.

At each stop I looked at my watch, fearing I would late and you wouldn’t be home.

You were home, said you hurt your ankle, so you couldn’t come get me at the station…I had to come to you. I did it thinking I had something to prove.

Once inside your house, standing face to face with you whatever guard I had up fell to my ankles, as did my dress.

For months all I wanted was to feel your arms around me. To feel your breath on my skin.

During the time we were together I wouldn’t allow myself to think of after…What would happened between us?

Would there be an “us”?

NO!!!

You stood up, shook yourself off as if you were shaking my touch and scent off of you. Without looking at me, as you walked out of the room you said: “GET OUT!!!”

I was afraid that if I stood my knees would give out. I knew I hadn’t heard wrong…being straight forward was a trait I admired.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you, or cry in front of you. Even though the moment you spoke those words my pride and self-respect disappeared.

I went to your home, hoping you would take me back. Forgive me for choosing another man…just realize that I had made a mistake.

Instead you took your pain and threw it in my face.

You had sex with me…and then you threw me out of your house…and life.

I loved you. All I was left with was numbness, hurt and…

I remember walking out of your house the sun blinded me…just like these lights.

I open my eyes, for a moment. I need to know that this is REAL. I look to my left, the nurse is there, holding my hand.

As I drift back off to sleep I feel a small pinch…

Within a second a part of you is gone from me.

A part I will never get back because I will never get you back.

A year of my life with you in it…and it ends with me on a table, erasing you from my mind, heart and body…