In two weeks I turn 29 and as I sit in my apartment replying to emails from my family, answering the question “So WHAT are you going to do for your birthday?”

I’m struck by the thought that I don’t have a clue.

After my mom passed away I made it a point to buy myself something or do something special for my bday in memory of her. My mom was the type of person that was always giving, always helping…she very very rarely did anything for herself. In a way I saw spoiling myself as a way of saying Thank You to the woman that gave me life. All the other 364 days of the year I would still do things for myself but they would be in the fashion of helping others. If my family needed money more than I did I gave it to them. If my friends needed a shoulder to cry on, or a night of drinking to purge that bad breakup or disappointment from their minds I was there right by their side. My mom was an amazing woman and I wanted to be just like her.

The day before she died my mom was planning a small party. She wanted to invite friends and family over…get everyone together, show them, us, how much we meant to her.

She had put that type of party off a number of times…always thinking she had more time in life to do it.

Does life give us more time when we try to do for ourselves?

My mom’s death was a wake up call In the years since her death I have tried to put me first, but usually when I do it somehow ends up back firing into my face.

Maybe for some people…putting others first is the same as putting themselves first.

Yellow Light…Red Light…Green Light…GO!!!

I have processed the pain and the anger. I have forgiven myself…yellow light.

 

I have distanced myself, declined to hangout, said no to the late night calls. Sheltered myself within a shell. I have been alone…red light.

 

But I can’t get passed…GO…green light.

I’m stalling because I don’t really know how to shift in order to meet my needs. I hit reverse when I should hit park. I hit park when I should be driving. I’m in neutral when I should be in reverse.

 

And I don’t want another lesson…I want to be on the road, moving smoothly, wind in my face, doing the miles at the highest speed.

 

And I won’t pull over again. I can’t pick up another passenger that isn’t sure of where they need to go, where they WANT to go.

 

I want a backseat driver that is willing to take the ride…with me…all the way home. Afterall cars are made for paasengers…riding alone just ain’t as fun.

 

But I’m scared. I shouldn’t be..I am an old pro at this. I can do it in my sleep…yet my hands get shaky, and my heart beats fast. Fear that I shouldn’t have keeps me pressing on the BREAKS…WHY??? I can go where I want to go.

 

I have made it there before. Yeah, I crashed and burned…plenty of times done because I wasn’t paying attention, saw pretty things, wanted to stop and view, alone, instead of continuing on with my back seat driver…other times because I let the passenger take the wheel when they didn’t know how to drive… Happy to release total control.

 

This is my car DAMN IT!!!

 

I NEED TO CONTROL THE WHEEL…AND THE SPEED…AND THE DESTINATION.

 

Can that be done if I allow another person to take the ride?

 

Maybe… Two drivers down the road of life is always better than one. If the passenger understands me, and if I understand them. They must understand that the car is the heart, the main tool to get us where we want and need to go. We share the burdens, deal with the speed together, we stop as one and view…we both have our hands on the wheel. We become partners. Once that is understood…we CAN ride this baby into the sunset…

All By Myself…by Celine Dion

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin’ alone
I think of all the friends I’ve known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody’s home

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
Oh
Don’t wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don’t wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

My Anthem…

You know what it’s like…the first time you hear the words, mixed with the music, you can feel it. There is a definite swell in your heart, your stride and sway of hips, the confident tilt of your head…you know that this song was written to impower you…because no matter what you previously thought…there is someone out there that understands what you are going through.

I have many such songs…the first one being All By Myself by Celine Dion…my most recent find is Losing My Ground by Fergie

I identify with the song so much I have it on repeat…

“Losing My Ground”

[Intro]
Don’t know what day it is
What’s going on?
Is this real?
Oh no, no, no, no, no

[Verse One]
I woke up short of breath, but I’ve still got a long day ahead of me
I don’t know what day it is but tell me ‘cuz I gotta know who to be
Is this me up in the mirror? ‘Cuz I thought it was somebody else
Well it’s a realization, when you find out you don’t even wanna look at yourself

[Chorus]
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Who do I turn to?
I’m losing my ground
Who am I now?
Where does it end?
How did it all begin?
I’m losing my ground

[Verse Two]
Well, hit my feet, it time to hit the streets
And get my life back together again
Well, this place is all a masquerade
So tell me where in line can I cut in?
Downtown wandering aimlessly around still don’t know what I’m tryin’ to find
Well you could flash all the pretty lights in front of me, I still won’t see the signs

[Chorus]
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Who do I turn to?
I’m losing my ground
Who am I now?
Where does it end?
How did it all begin?
I’m losing my ground

I’m losing my
I’m losing my

I’m losing my ground
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I do?
Why do I do?
Why do I do?

Don’t wanna go back there
Don’t wanna go back there
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Who do I turn to?
I’m losing my ground
Who am I now?
Where does it end?
How did it all begin?
I’m losing my ground
Ground
I’m losing my
I’m losing my
I’m losing my ground.

Well Wishes From My Former Boss

So I finally sat down and wrote an email to my former boss. I just wanted to touch base, say Hello. We worked great together and we were friends. I regret quitting my job everyday and everyday I want to go and beg for my job back…and days after I quit I did…but there is much to be said about “thinking before you speak” or in my case, thinking before you text message.

She wishes me well and says that she hopes I find something far better and hopefully I will be able to put my writing talents to good use.

I’ve come to learn that I don’t have many skills and I can’t afford to go back to school. I’ve been told that I am too qualified for retail but unqualified for administrative work…so where does that leave someone like me.

I made jokes to friends that when I quit I will become a stripper or go into porn. We live in a society where sex sells and if it’s one skill I posses…I am sexy, LOL

But stripping and porn isn’t the industry I want to be in…unless I have a chance to run the club or be behind the camera.

I thought about asking for my job back again…figure what do I have to lose…pride? Pride went out the window a long time ago.

Right now I am just trying to survive…and not doing a good job of it.

In the shadow of 9/11

As I clicked on my computer and reached my homepage I saw a bulletin that said “Breaking News” – an aircraft crashed into a NYC building.

Shaking I got up and turned on the TV…something I rarely do these days. And I see a scene that all Americans know well…a building, windows blown out, flames whipping around…reports that an aircraft has struck the building.

Memories of 9/11 come into focus. How can they not?

I went to junior high school in the area…JHS 167 on 77th between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. I made a mental note of my loved ones and where they are supposed to be. I made a mental note to see if I knew anyone that would have been in that area…but like on 9/11…you just don’t know.

It appears to have been an accident…such a tragic thing. I look at the wreckage on the screen and I look at my cats and wonder if there were animals in the apartment before I wonder if there were humans.

I stare out my windows, hearing planes fly over my own building’s roof and I shudder…life is so fragile…so brilliant in all it promises…yet it can be taken from us so quickly.

To everyone in my heart…I love you…to those I don’t know…may you and your loved ones be safe.

Another Day…Another Interview

I have had so many interviews that I lost count…but I keep going forward.

I miss my job and the ease of it, but there wasn’t room for growth and at 28 soon to be 29 I need to find a place that I can grow with. With this interview I plan to be candid and tell the recruiter what I want…exactly what I want.

Don’t get me wrong I’ll take what I can get…but my heart is in publishing…not only because I want to write but because I want to work in an industry that I am interested in and doing something I love. I mean if I HAVE to leave my house to make a living I would like to be working in a publishing firm.

There I said it…now if I can only make it come true…Wish me luck

To get passed that point that says you are forgiven…doesn’t exist.

Your mind and heart play a tug of war, willing you to remember what is right…and feel what is hate.

I don’t have a second chance, like some. I have given myself too many second chances…nooooo, not any more…Your guy reaction is the correct one…my gut says “fuck it! if it will give you peace…then fuck, what everyone else thinks…because they aren’t you and they will never be you…so they can’t feel what you feel,…then do it. give yourself that peace that only comes from within…comes from darkness…and comes from silence…the peace that harbors on the edge of regret…the peace that is found in death.”

I shouldn’t fear what I have wanted for so long…I should go after it, never stop till I have made my dreams come true…isn’t that what ambition is all about.

Don’t you need ambition to succeed…don’t you need a dream to have ambition.

My dream…is…has been…always will be…death

I hate job hunting

You have got to be kidding me if you think I actually believe that while I am supposed to be poised and friendly that I also NEED to have a 4 year degree to answer phones.

Look, I am totally in awe of those that made it work for them…school was never my thing…I was definitely one of those kids that wanted to play in the sandbox instead of going back to the classroom…and that was even on the rainy days.

I don’t think I should be punished because I don’t have a 4 year degree. I mean if an employer REALLY just wants someone to pick up the phone, greet guest, sort mail (now there is one difficult task….sorting mail…WTF!!!), then having a degree wouldn’t be required. AND IT IS…just look at monster.com and hotjobs.com
But it is…jobs that used to required only a pretty face and a decent body have now become jobs that require a B.A.

Reason number 1 why I never left my former job in 8 years.

Besides being shunned by the 4-year degree club I have also learned that temp and placement agencies are put on this Earth not to help you find a job, but to instill fear in your heart. I know how to use MS Office…but if I’m forced to show that I know what I’m doing I get all clammy and my heart races at a speed that kinda feels like I’m on speed.

I don’t want to be tested EVERY single time I go to an agency…why can’t Microsoft come up with a program that test a person’s level of skill, and the results can be email to different parties. That would save time and make everyone’s job (and those trying to get jobs) easier.

And if it sounds like I am whinning…GOOD because I am. I know that I’m smart and I am capable of making your coffee and answering the phone, and even filing away that paperwork…See it just a job…if it was meant to mean more…there would be 4 year degree in Admin/Receptionist Management.

Chance

Took a chance and I said Hello. Took a chance and asked you out. Took a chance and let you in.

Took a chance that your distance was because of your fear instead it was because of your lies.

Took a chance to make my life what I always wanted it to be…just so happened that the chance you took for YOURSELF happened at the same time.

I’ll take a chance and I will solidify my loneliness…by never taking a chance again.