The last day

It was a warm day, not so unusual, but it was the type of warmth that had people believing it was summer and not spring.

I had the day off from work, but it wasn’t going to be spent enjoying the warm weather.

Mom was out of the hospital and I told my dad and sister that I with the aid of my boyfriend and his car would take her to her first dialysis session.

She looked so frail walking the few short steps to the car, but this was my mom. The strongest woman I knew. She wasn’t frail she was just tired. Moms that do a lot for their family are often tired.

The dialysis center was housed a few blocks from the mall. Cool, the mall, I remember thinking  while she is having her session I can go shop, while Eric sleeps in the car.

I remember walking in with her, handing her over to one of the attendants, watching as he placed her in a chair. My Mom said that I didn’t have to wait, that I wouldn’t want to watch while they hooked her up.

I didn’t kiss her goodbye. A good daughter would have kissed their mother goodbye. Instead I waved and walked outside, lit a cigarette and headed for the car and the mall.

Thinking back I have no idea how long the session was…maybe an hour or two. I don’t even remember if I went to the mall or if we just sat in the car. I do remember when it was time to pick mom up she was the only one left at the dialysis center. All the other patients were gone. She was still sitting in her chair. A faint smile rose to her lips when she saw me.

“I’m ok” she said.

“Are you sure you are ok to go Mrs. Cox?” asked the attendant.

I immediately asked what happened. My mom’s reply cut off the attendant’s and she said ” I just got a little dizzy a few minutes ago when I tried to stand.”

I looked at the attendant who looked at my mom.

My mom smiled her brilliant smile, wobbled to her feet, with the help of the attendant and myself and said, “I just want to go home.”

Eric and I picked up some food along the way. Mom was quiet. When we got home Eric stayed in the car and I helped my mom inside and I sat down and watched her eat. She was still wobbly and she ate so little.

But she said, “I’ll be ok…I am ok.”

Mother’s know best. Never did it dawn on me that she could be wrong and that she was putting up a brave front.

I left my mom that night thinking of course she is fine, she’s mommy. My sister and I haven’t gotten married or had children…she is far too young to…

That was on May 17^th, 2000 on May 19^th she died of a heart attack while undergoing her second dialysis session.

With each passing year I miss her even more. With each heartbreak, and dilemma I yearn to have her here with me. There are times when I take comfort in the fact that my last words from my mom were words of comfort. I look back on them now and I realize that perhaps she wasn’t speaking them as if to say she will be ok, but to say that she was ok with dying. That she knew what was going to happen and that she had no fear.

Because that is who she was… a fearless, well of strength woman that took on every challenge that came her way with determination.

I am unlike her in so many ways…but I pray that I am like her in the ways that truly count. Like her in the ways that will help me overcome my challenges with the same fearless determination.

I love you and I miss you…always and forever.