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Making a list of what you own is one thing, but making the same list and affixing a price to said items is something entirely different.
Items that once expressed my success in life are now going to in turn help me sustain life.
I won’t lie… I am sad. I feel as if I will be saying goodbye to a part of my past. But after all they are material items…items that when the time is right I can buy again if I so chose to.
One thing that I really love about my parents was that they introduced me and my sister into the world of travel.
I wouldn’t say that every year we took a family vacation but when we did I always had the most fun.
I was maybe 9 or 10 when we went to Seattle, Washington, Vancouver and Victoria, British Columbia in Canada.
I remember this trip because it was the first time I bought something with my own money. I can’t remember where the money came from, whether it was from a birthday gift, or just spending money for the trip. What I do remember is walking down a street and stopping at a store window because I saw a toy stuffed dog. The most adorable dog I have ever seen…at least as a stuffed animal.
Back then Gund toys cost a hellva lot of money. I spent all the money I had on that toy. He looked exactly like this adorable furbaby below, who’s photo I found on The Daily Puppy blog site.
To say that I was in love with this toy is an understatement. For the remainder of the trip I carried Musty everywhere that I went. And like a true child with a short attention span Musty was forgotten once the plane landed. But when I did look at him I would remember that trip and fun and family.
I think the reason Musty holds such a special place in my memory bank is because he really was the first item that I bought with my own money…he set the standards for years to come…buying for pure pleasure instead of need.
I can still hear my Mom saying “Well if you want to spend all your money on him…OK.”
Since then I have been seeing things and saying “Well if I want it…OK.”
When I moved into my current apartment I told myself that I wouldn’t be staying that long and that I couldn’t buy a whole bunch of crap and recreate the clutter that I had in my previous apartment.
This weekend I started packing. No matter how much you have, nor what size apartment, packing and moving is a daunting task that not many enjoy and look to with fear.
I usually like moving, it signifies a sort of rebirth to me.
I managed, with the help of my wonderful sister, to pack most, if not all my stuff…you know the stuff that is just hanging around that you really don’t use on a daily basis. The books, the DVD”s, the family photos ( I have a wallet size one that I carry), personal papers that you can’t throw out…tax refunds, that 7th grade award winning poem you wrote.
I have been in my apartment for 7 months. The only thing that I have accumulated are books and a few DVD’s. And since the apartment is a little on the small side I never really took everything out of the boxes anyway.
The last time I moved it was a mission and I vowed that I would never pack in such a haphazard sort of way. Throwing things in boxes, no labeling, throwing things out because I just didn’t want to pack.
No, this time I did the right thing.
What really surprises me is that I thought I had a lot more stuff…
I didn’t grow up religious. I grew up knowing or rather believing in a God and learning that there are things in life that happen for no apparent reason that us…mere mortals can’t see and nor truly understand.
I have long ago desired peace and serenity in my life. What person wouldn’t? There have been times when I have focused on changing what was not in my power to change. And equally there have been times when I have had the power to ensue change but have done nothing to do so.
During the harder times of my life I have taken to reciting the Serenity Prayer, if only to give me strength and peace of mind to continue on with my life. And to learn the valuable lesson that God is here guide with prayer and faith to help me along the path of life.
It is up to me to do what I can to make it better…and to steer clear of what is not in my hands to change. Understanding the difference of the two is the key to happiness.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”
It’s only Friday, but where I work on Fridays not only do we get to dress more casual we get to leave early. Plus Fridays signal the start of the weekend.
Today I felt like looking pretty. I have been depressed and figured a pretty dress and some pink lipgloss might infuse me with a smile.
So I got all gussied up…but I don’t have a damn thing to do after work.
No friends that I can catch a movie or have a drink with.
No boyfriend that wants to have an intimate dinner.
No family that I should be connecting with.
I know it shouldn’t matter. I didn’t get dressed up for someone else to admire the view. I did it for myself. But it’s hard to not want that attention or any attention when you are feeling depressed.
Life sucks, or at least I believe it does and I want someone to show me that it’s worth sticking around for. That I will want to have more pretty and gussied up days.
Sometimes I wish my need for attention wasn’t so strong. That I didn’t need the reassurance that comes from having people around you. People who tell you and show you that you are loved and wanted. And that if you did do something stupid like allow depression to get the better of you YOU would be missed.
To be honest there are times when I don’t want to be around people and I crave solitude. I don’t want my depression to become a virus and kill what little good I have in my life. Yet on the rare occasion when I want company…
It seems that when I have had enough of me…so has everyone else.
Doesn’t leave me with much of a choice on what to do tonight does it???
I purposely didn’t wear any eye makeup today because I knew that I would be crying. And here I am at my desk at work, early enough that perhaps no one will see me.
Although most people don’t need tears to show their pain or grief. Anyone looking at me is able to tell that I am breaking…breaking at the seams. Trying so hard to hold together my life.
People will say that although my life isn’t great it could be worse. I don’t think it is a matter of what it “could be” that is causing me to break it is “what it is” and how for so long I have tried to fix it and nothing has worked.
I have lost all that means anything to me and at this point I don’t have the strength to fight to get any of it back.
That means my will to live is broken and that my desire to find happiness is no where to be found.
It’s a rainy Monday and maybe through the events of the weekend I am feeling extra sensitive…or maybe just maybe I need to be honest with myself and admit that I am breaking..
Lick
Suck Graze Wet Graze Wet Suck Deeper Faster Harder Deeper Harder Faster Breathe Swallow *Excerpt from Circles*
I have taken so many pills in the last two days that I can start my own pharmacy within my body.
The blow that I have shot up my nose has burned out whatever remaining tissue I have left.
I’m sitting in her bathroom, toilet paper shoved up my nose. My head feeling like a tornado whirling over a Kansas cornfield.
I told her that I would stop. The high is no longer lasting enough.
My passionate…second lover.
Sadly she wishes my passion was for her. Sadly I can’t tell her that the reason I even looked in her direction was because of the drugs she now wants out of my system. She wants purity. I fear reality.
Yes I am one of those people that if I say I am going to do something…6 times out of 10 I usually find a way to back out of it.
That is a horrible thing to admit about yourself…but I feel the need to be honest today.
Why???
Because right now I am in a situation where I feel the pull of my inner self…telling me that although I had agreed to something if I am crafty enough…which the good Lord knows that I am… I will find a way out of it.
I am such “the grass is greener” person.
I think what I really need to do is take a BIG, HUGE step back and look at my situation from all sides.
Damn it!!! I hate thinking rationally.
Magnus... 3:33 pm on July 27, 2008 Permalink |
You’re not alone on that one dear… anytime you need an ear or some attention give me a call, (I’ll give you the number). Seems to me the best attention sometimes, is the attention of someone whose not constantly around you. People fall into normacy, and expect things from the familar that sometimes only a new pair of eyes can see.