One of my closest friends is at a good, decent point in her life. After months, shit, what has felt like years, I am slowly getting back to that good, decent place in my life. But the both of us are so afraid to smile, laugh, do a little dance in honor of our happiness because in the past we never really stay happy for long.
How do you enjoy your happiness without looking over your shoulder, wondering, counting the days of it lasting?
There have been times when I didn’t look over my shoulder and I was so blindsided that I was engulfed in darkness, each moment in life happiness or not was all covered in a haze of gray.
It reminds me of after my mom died and how I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to my dad and sister. I was blindsided by her death and thought that thinking the worst would protect them and myself from the worst.
Fear of what you can’t control can be the most debilitating emotion.
I can do what I can to continue on the path of bliss and contentment and swerve into full blown happiness each step of the way taking it one happy moment at a time, focusing on that and nothing else.
Or
I can let that fear of what I can’t control…control me.
Miss D. 4:21 pm on November 3, 2008 Permalink |
HI! I found your blog through Beauty Buzz. I love what you right specifically this entry here. I feel like this all the time! I never put it in such words but I do wish things didn’t hurt my feelings so. The last few months I have felt very lonely but I know that i’m not. I vowed to make this year a good one and as it is coming to a close I feel like i’m letting that slip away. Keep pushing on it is WAY hard but we can do this!