20 minutes long overdue

Ever since my mom died I reevaluated the way I view my relationships with with my family. I have never been one for many face to face visits. Growing up my family was very much me, my sister and my mom and my dad. Holidays and birthdays were spent with the 4 of us. And that sort of stopped when she passed. We started …I started doing my own things.

The extended family was kept to sadly funerals or weddings.

Though the past several months I have been emailing my one of my Aunts, on my dad’s side.

Just someone to talk to, someone that isn’t privy to the everyday goings of my life. Like a pen pal but someone that is blood.

After oh about, let’s see 9 years we finally saw each other in person. Boy, time really doesn’t change much because it felt as if I had just saw her and my cousin yesterday. It felt good to be around family and laugh and joke and see the resemblance that you don’t really notice until it is in your face.

Although the visit was only 20 minutes long it left me feeling more grounded if that makes any sense.

Of course promises were made to hangout more and not let close to a decade pass by before we see each other again.

Next weekend I tackle my Uncle…

Musty

One thing that I really love about my parents was that they introduced me and my sister into the world of travel.

I wouldn’t say that every year we took a family vacation but when we did I always had the most fun.

I was maybe 9 or 10 when we went to Seattle, Washington, Vancouver and Victoria, British Columbia in Canada.

I remember this trip because it was the first time I bought something with my own money. I can’t remember where the money came from, whether it was from a birthday gift, or just spending money for the trip. What I do remember is walking down a street and stopping at a store window because I saw a toy stuffed dog. The most adorable dog I have ever seen…at least as a stuffed animal.

Back then Gund toys cost a hellva lot of money. I spent all the money I had on that toy. He looked exactly like this adorable furbaby below, who’s photo I found on The Daily Puppy blog site.

To say that I was in love with this toy is an understatement. For the remainder of the trip I carried Musty everywhere that I went. And like a true child with a short attention span Musty was forgotten once the plane landed. But when I did look at him I would remember that trip and fun and family.

I think the reason Musty holds such a special place in my memory bank is because he really was the first item that I bought with my own money…he set the standards for years to come…buying for pure pleasure instead of need.

I can still hear my Mom saying “Well if you want to spend all your money on him…OK.”

Since then I have been seeing things and saying “Well if I want it…OK.”

Yellow Light…Red Light…Green Light…GO!!!

I have processed the pain and the anger. I have forgiven myself…yellow light.

 

I have distanced myself, declined to hangout, said no to the late night calls. Sheltered myself within a shell. I have been alone…red light.

 

But I can’t get passed…GO…green light.

I’m stalling because I don’t really know how to shift in order to meet my needs. I hit reverse when I should hit park. I hit park when I should be driving. I’m in neutral when I should be in reverse.

 

And I don’t want another lesson…I want to be on the road, moving smoothly, wind in my face, doing the miles at the highest speed.

 

And I won’t pull over again. I can’t pick up another passenger that isn’t sure of where they need to go, where they WANT to go.

 

I want a backseat driver that is willing to take the ride…with me…all the way home. Afterall cars are made for paasengers…riding alone just ain’t as fun.

 

But I’m scared. I shouldn’t be..I am an old pro at this. I can do it in my sleep…yet my hands get shaky, and my heart beats fast. Fear that I shouldn’t have keeps me pressing on the BREAKS…WHY??? I can go where I want to go.

 

I have made it there before. Yeah, I crashed and burned…plenty of times done because I wasn’t paying attention, saw pretty things, wanted to stop and view, alone, instead of continuing on with my back seat driver…other times because I let the passenger take the wheel when they didn’t know how to drive… Happy to release total control.

 

This is my car DAMN IT!!!

 

I NEED TO CONTROL THE WHEEL…AND THE SPEED…AND THE DESTINATION.

 

Can that be done if I allow another person to take the ride?

 

Maybe… Two drivers down the road of life is always better than one. If the passenger understands me, and if I understand them. They must understand that the car is the heart, the main tool to get us where we want and need to go. We share the burdens, deal with the speed together, we stop as one and view…we both have our hands on the wheel. We become partners. Once that is understood…we CAN ride this baby into the sunset…

Well Wishes From My Former Boss

So I finally sat down and wrote an email to my former boss. I just wanted to touch base, say Hello. We worked great together and we were friends. I regret quitting my job everyday and everyday I want to go and beg for my job back…and days after I quit I did…but there is much to be said about “thinking before you speak” or in my case, thinking before you text message.

She wishes me well and says that she hopes I find something far better and hopefully I will be able to put my writing talents to good use.

I’ve come to learn that I don’t have many skills and I can’t afford to go back to school. I’ve been told that I am too qualified for retail but unqualified for administrative work…so where does that leave someone like me.

I made jokes to friends that when I quit I will become a stripper or go into porn. We live in a society where sex sells and if it’s one skill I posses…I am sexy, LOL

But stripping and porn isn’t the industry I want to be in…unless I have a chance to run the club or be behind the camera.

I thought about asking for my job back again…figure what do I have to lose…pride? Pride went out the window a long time ago.

Right now I am just trying to survive…and not doing a good job of it.

Why is it that what/whom is sometimes helping you also the thing that is hurting you?

My ex has been really great during my hiatus from work. I know I would have been kicked out of my apartment months ago if he hadn’t helped me with the bills. But he is still my ex (his choice) and as much as I know sometime down the road I might need his help again I had to stop it.

It’s hard getting over someone when they are constantly reminding you why you love them in the first place.

That’s why

Down on my knees

Begging someone, anyone for a little help

I don’t need arms to carry me

I just need a hand to help me steady my feet while carry myself forward

You did that…you have always done that…and that’s why I love you.

Thank You

Fear Not

We are passed trying to read each other’s minds…I hope you know that, baby.

But just because I can’t read it…doesn’t mean I can’t read you.

My love for you has lasted this long you should be able to be honest with me.

Is there a question you want to ask, but haven’t?

I sense when you are near…it’s on the tip of your tongue.

Times have changed and I changed along with them…I no longer want what I used to want.

But that doesn’t mean…I don’t want you.

Don’t think because of what has happened you understand me any better? The past hasn’t made me hold on to my dream tighter…it has made me reshape them. And it’s so wide now that I can’t even fit my arms around them to have that tight hold.

I know the package that you come in.

Haven’t you noticed I have been slowly, wrapping myself up in the same way?

I always said we were one of a kind…once we came together.

So make it happen.