My Vote

Last night I felt it, down by Rockefeller Center…you could almost hear it… a faint buzz in the air. Excitement. The Plaza was a blaze in the colors of our nation…promoting, enticing the citizens at large to cast their ballots and vote on Election Day.

Amid the darkness of my room my cell phone alarm rang…3am. I fought against the warmth of my bed and made way to the shower. Seriously only the need for true change would have another up at that hour, much less up at that hour to travel to Queens from Brooklyn, all because she never changed her voter’s registration to her current address.

But like the buzz that I felt in the air last night I was bubbling with anticipation. An hour and 17 minute ride, plus a 3 minute walk and I was going to be part of hundreds of thousands that was going to be making a difference. Casting my vote so my voice and opinion can be heard.

I’m not a stranger to voting. When I turned 18 I went to the polls to help bring Bill Clinton into office…but back then I had my mother shadowing me. I wanted her to witness her youngest take part in one of the greatest acts of patriotism.

This time around all I had all I had during my train ride, back to a place I had spent some of my happiest times was the heat of her voice whispering “ I am so proud of you.”

Down at the school I was happy to see that I wasn’t the first one there despite the 5:45a time. Within minutes the line outside the school had grown and was curved around the block. And when I closed my eyes and took in the cool, crisp fall air I could feel that buzz…like a fly circling your head…of excitement.

Once behind the black curtain I pulled the lever right and turned a knob to X mark my vote…turning the lever left and paused for a moment and I could feel my mother’s hand on my shoulder as it was back in when I was 18 voting in 1996, saying “I am so proud of you.”

For all my quipping and complaining I did something today that regardless of the outcome I will be able to tell my children and my grandchildren and God willing my great grandchildren that I stood for A CHANGE and I marked it with an X.

Musty

One thing that I really love about my parents was that they introduced me and my sister into the world of travel.

I wouldn’t say that every year we took a family vacation but when we did I always had the most fun.

I was maybe 9 or 10 when we went to Seattle, Washington, Vancouver and Victoria, British Columbia in Canada.

I remember this trip because it was the first time I bought something with my own money. I can’t remember where the money came from, whether it was from a birthday gift, or just spending money for the trip. What I do remember is walking down a street and stopping at a store window because I saw a toy stuffed dog. The most adorable dog I have ever seen…at least as a stuffed animal.

Back then Gund toys cost a hellva lot of money. I spent all the money I had on that toy. He looked exactly like this adorable furbaby below, who’s photo I found on The Daily Puppy blog site.

To say that I was in love with this toy is an understatement. For the remainder of the trip I carried Musty everywhere that I went. And like a true child with a short attention span Musty was forgotten once the plane landed. But when I did look at him I would remember that trip and fun and family.

I think the reason Musty holds such a special place in my memory bank is because he really was the first item that I bought with my own money…he set the standards for years to come…buying for pure pleasure instead of need.

I can still hear my Mom saying “Well if you want to spend all your money on him…OK.”

Since then I have been seeing things and saying “Well if I want it…OK.”

Swallow

Knees to ground

Hand to shaft

Up

Slow

Down

Fast

Down

Slow

Up

Fast

Faster

Pause

Smile

Breathe

Lips to tip

Tip to throat

Lick

Suck

Graze

Wet

Graze

Wet

Suck

Deeper

Faster

Harder

Deeper

Harder

Faster

Breathe

Swallow

*Excerpt from Circles*

I have taken so many pills in the last two days that I can start my own pharmacy within my body.

The blow that I have shot up my nose has burned out whatever remaining tissue I have left.

I’m sitting in her bathroom, toilet paper shoved up my nose. My head feeling like a tornado whirling over a Kansas cornfield.

I told her that I would stop. The high is no longer lasting enough.
My passionate…second lover.

Sadly she wishes my passion was for her. Sadly I can’t tell her that the reason I even looked in her direction was because of the drugs she now wants out of my system. She wants purity. I fear reality.

Always the bridesmaid…not yet the bride

Am I really at the point where I am know using relationship cliches to identify with my employment search???

Yes, because it fits. For those that don’t quite understand the quote it is supposed to mean that someone is always, in plain terms, very close to winning the prize. A bridesmaid is as close to the bride as some women get. In my life, an interview is as close as I am going to get to a job.

If it sounds like I am whining… guess what? I’m not, I’m just stating a fact. And like many one time too many bridesmaids I will have my day at being a bride. I just must be patient and in some ways stop looking for “love” and it will find me.

In the mean time…I’ll still go out on dates

The “really hard” choices of the unemployed…

Ummm, these are some of the everyday choices I face being unemployed. I’m commenting on them because lately a few “friends” have suggested that perhaps I’m liking my life this way…obviously they don’t know @%$*! about me

Cat Food or My Food

Clean Clothes or Dirty Clothes

Pay bills or have money for transportation

Being that I am unemployed and I am NOT receiving unemployment I am at the mercy of friends and family.

Guys, I luv ya for all the help you have given me…whether it be in spirit or in cash…I love you for every moment.

I won’t let the lack of a job get me down just yet…

I will at least wait until my birthday (next Saturday) to commence with a full mental breakdown

My Anthem…

You know what it’s like…the first time you hear the words, mixed with the music, you can feel it. There is a definite swell in your heart, your stride and sway of hips, the confident tilt of your head…you know that this song was written to impower you…because no matter what you previously thought…there is someone out there that understands what you are going through.

I have many such songs…the first one being All By Myself by Celine Dion…my most recent find is Losing My Ground by Fergie

I identify with the song so much I have it on repeat…

“Losing My Ground”

[Intro]
Don’t know what day it is
What’s going on?
Is this real?
Oh no, no, no, no, no

[Verse One]
I woke up short of breath, but I’ve still got a long day ahead of me
I don’t know what day it is but tell me ‘cuz I gotta know who to be
Is this me up in the mirror? ‘Cuz I thought it was somebody else
Well it’s a realization, when you find out you don’t even wanna look at yourself

[Chorus]
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Who do I turn to?
I’m losing my ground
Who am I now?
Where does it end?
How did it all begin?
I’m losing my ground

[Verse Two]
Well, hit my feet, it time to hit the streets
And get my life back together again
Well, this place is all a masquerade
So tell me where in line can I cut in?
Downtown wandering aimlessly around still don’t know what I’m tryin’ to find
Well you could flash all the pretty lights in front of me, I still won’t see the signs

[Chorus]
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Who do I turn to?
I’m losing my ground
Who am I now?
Where does it end?
How did it all begin?
I’m losing my ground

I’m losing my
I’m losing my

I’m losing my ground
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I do?
Why do I do?
Why do I do?

Don’t wanna go back there
Don’t wanna go back there
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Who do I turn to?
I’m losing my ground
Who am I now?
Where does it end?
How did it all begin?
I’m losing my ground
Ground
I’m losing my
I’m losing my
I’m losing my ground.

Another Day…Another Interview

I have had so many interviews that I lost count…but I keep going forward.

I miss my job and the ease of it, but there wasn’t room for growth and at 28 soon to be 29 I need to find a place that I can grow with. With this interview I plan to be candid and tell the recruiter what I want…exactly what I want.

Don’t get me wrong I’ll take what I can get…but my heart is in publishing…not only because I want to write but because I want to work in an industry that I am interested in and doing something I love. I mean if I HAVE to leave my house to make a living I would like to be working in a publishing firm.

There I said it…now if I can only make it come true…Wish me luck

I hate job hunting

You have got to be kidding me if you think I actually believe that while I am supposed to be poised and friendly that I also NEED to have a 4 year degree to answer phones.

Look, I am totally in awe of those that made it work for them…school was never my thing…I was definitely one of those kids that wanted to play in the sandbox instead of going back to the classroom…and that was even on the rainy days.

I don’t think I should be punished because I don’t have a 4 year degree. I mean if an employer REALLY just wants someone to pick up the phone, greet guest, sort mail (now there is one difficult task….sorting mail…WTF!!!), then having a degree wouldn’t be required. AND IT IS…just look at monster.com and hotjobs.com
But it is…jobs that used to required only a pretty face and a decent body have now become jobs that require a B.A.

Reason number 1 why I never left my former job in 8 years.

Besides being shunned by the 4-year degree club I have also learned that temp and placement agencies are put on this Earth not to help you find a job, but to instill fear in your heart. I know how to use MS Office…but if I’m forced to show that I know what I’m doing I get all clammy and my heart races at a speed that kinda feels like I’m on speed.

I don’t want to be tested EVERY single time I go to an agency…why can’t Microsoft come up with a program that test a person’s level of skill, and the results can be email to different parties. That would save time and make everyone’s job (and those trying to get jobs) easier.

And if it sounds like I am whinning…GOOD because I am. I know that I’m smart and I am capable of making your coffee and answering the phone, and even filing away that paperwork…See it just a job…if it was meant to mean more…there would be 4 year degree in Admin/Receptionist Management.

The only approval that matters should come from within…