Friends with the Ex a.k.a A Waste of Time???

Recently the man that I was dating/talking to/fucking ( I really don’t know what we were)…the man I spent time with said that he wanted us to be “just friends”

Why does that bother me?  Probably because it tends to make me believe that we weren’t friends in the first place and now we should start. That if we aren’t sleeping together we need to be friends. Why do we need to be anything? Can’t we just walk away from each other?

Honestly our relationship never really felt like one of a friendship. Our conversation mainly consisted of  “I missed you” and ” you make me feel so good”. We never went any where, but in our defense $$$ was tight. At times when I really needed him he was no where to be found and when he did do something for me (feed my cats while I went away for the weekend) he also read my private journal…Do you do that to your friends?

He got a little miffed that I didn’t want to be his friend and that I’d rather just be his lover (he’s good in bed and a girl has needs). I don’t know maybe I’m still hurt by his choice to stop seeing me or maybe I just realized that we had no friendship and there really is no reason to start one now.

I’m just one of those people that doesn’t see the need of being friends with the ex. Maybe it’s because the guy always ended up leaving me in a way that affords no closure so in my eyes being their friends just seems to keep that wound open. There is also the thought that many of my “relationships” have a heavy sexual content and I feel that contact will only allow them to think that I can be kept in their little black book.

I do miss him, I’m lonely, but I was also lonely when I was “seeing” him. Nothing new there.

His birthday is coming up and I know that if I send him an email (I deleted his number so I can’t call) he is going to think that he can spearhead a friendship. I don’t want that…but the time we did spend together was fun and I wish it could have grown into something deeper and more AND it’s his birthday. Everyone likes BDay wishes… I’m unclear on what to do.  I have “good girl” tendencies that seriously need to die out. I know I shouldn’t be giving this more thought.  I shouldn’t think about doing anything that might make him think we can be buddies. But fuck me… I am!!!

Balancing Act- being the friend

It’s a roller coaster

Start as friends knowing you will turn into lovers

Lovers in a world of their own break off when one wants to expand the options

Left to either lose that lover, first that friend you stick around balancing your feelings

Your actions speak of love but your words border on indifference

You can feel the suffocating weight of yourself falling deeper and deeper into this person that doesn’t want you as whole, keeps you at a distance

You back off, space, not because you really want it, you really need it

How foolish will you seem if you fell for someone when you were clearly told that what you want they don’t

Yet life works its way in between…a friend is needed and despite what you know is best for you…you offer what has always been there for the taking…your heart

Much like before it isn’t wanted … safe guarding your heart…you find yourself rejected because you were performing a balancing act and fell chest first

There it goes…that Human feeling…called caring

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*Excerpt from Circles*

I have taken so many pills in the last two days that I can start my own pharmacy within my body.

The blow that I have shot up my nose has burned out whatever remaining tissue I have left.

I’m sitting in her bathroom, toilet paper shoved up my nose. My head feeling like a tornado whirling over a Kansas cornfield.

I told her that I would stop. The high is no longer lasting enough.
My passionate…second lover.

Sadly she wishes my passion was for her. Sadly I can’t tell her that the reason I even looked in her direction was because of the drugs she now wants out of my system. She wants purity. I fear reality.

Yellow Light…Red Light…Green Light…GO!!!

I have processed the pain and the anger. I have forgiven myself…yellow light.

 

I have distanced myself, declined to hangout, said no to the late night calls. Sheltered myself within a shell. I have been alone…red light.

 

But I can’t get passed…GO…green light.

I’m stalling because I don’t really know how to shift in order to meet my needs. I hit reverse when I should hit park. I hit park when I should be driving. I’m in neutral when I should be in reverse.

 

And I don’t want another lesson…I want to be on the road, moving smoothly, wind in my face, doing the miles at the highest speed.

 

And I won’t pull over again. I can’t pick up another passenger that isn’t sure of where they need to go, where they WANT to go.

 

I want a backseat driver that is willing to take the ride…with me…all the way home. Afterall cars are made for paasengers…riding alone just ain’t as fun.

 

But I’m scared. I shouldn’t be..I am an old pro at this. I can do it in my sleep…yet my hands get shaky, and my heart beats fast. Fear that I shouldn’t have keeps me pressing on the BREAKS…WHY??? I can go where I want to go.

 

I have made it there before. Yeah, I crashed and burned…plenty of times done because I wasn’t paying attention, saw pretty things, wanted to stop and view, alone, instead of continuing on with my back seat driver…other times because I let the passenger take the wheel when they didn’t know how to drive… Happy to release total control.

 

This is my car DAMN IT!!!

 

I NEED TO CONTROL THE WHEEL…AND THE SPEED…AND THE DESTINATION.

 

Can that be done if I allow another person to take the ride?

 

Maybe… Two drivers down the road of life is always better than one. If the passenger understands me, and if I understand them. They must understand that the car is the heart, the main tool to get us where we want and need to go. We share the burdens, deal with the speed together, we stop as one and view…we both have our hands on the wheel. We become partners. Once that is understood…we CAN ride this baby into the sunset…