Friends with the Ex a.k.a A Waste of Time???

Recently the man that I was dating/talking to/fucking ( I really don’t know what we were)…the man I spent time with said that he wanted us to be “just friends”

Why does that bother me?  Probably because it tends to make me believe that we weren’t friends in the first place and now we should start. That if we aren’t sleeping together we need to be friends. Why do we need to be anything? Can’t we just walk away from each other?

Honestly our relationship never really felt like one of a friendship. Our conversation mainly consisted of  “I missed you” and ” you make me feel so good”. We never went any where, but in our defense $$$ was tight. At times when I really needed him he was no where to be found and when he did do something for me (feed my cats while I went away for the weekend) he also read my private journal…Do you do that to your friends?

He got a little miffed that I didn’t want to be his friend and that I’d rather just be his lover (he’s good in bed and a girl has needs). I don’t know maybe I’m still hurt by his choice to stop seeing me or maybe I just realized that we had no friendship and there really is no reason to start one now.

I’m just one of those people that doesn’t see the need of being friends with the ex. Maybe it’s because the guy always ended up leaving me in a way that affords no closure so in my eyes being their friends just seems to keep that wound open. There is also the thought that many of my “relationships” have a heavy sexual content and I feel that contact will only allow them to think that I can be kept in their little black book.

I do miss him, I’m lonely, but I was also lonely when I was “seeing” him. Nothing new there.

His birthday is coming up and I know that if I send him an email (I deleted his number so I can’t call) he is going to think that he can spearhead a friendship. I don’t want that…but the time we did spend together was fun and I wish it could have grown into something deeper and more AND it’s his birthday. Everyone likes BDay wishes… I’m unclear on what to do.  I have “good girl” tendencies that seriously need to die out. I know I shouldn’t be giving this more thought.  I shouldn’t think about doing anything that might make him think we can be buddies. But fuck me… I am!!!

Balancing Act- being the friend

It’s a roller coaster

Start as friends knowing you will turn into lovers

Lovers in a world of their own break off when one wants to expand the options

Left to either lose that lover, first that friend you stick around balancing your feelings

Your actions speak of love but your words border on indifference

You can feel the suffocating weight of yourself falling deeper and deeper into this person that doesn’t want you as whole, keeps you at a distance

You back off, space, not because you really want it, you really need it

How foolish will you seem if you fell for someone when you were clearly told that what you want they don’t

Yet life works its way in between…a friend is needed and despite what you know is best for you…you offer what has always been there for the taking…your heart

Much like before it isn’t wanted … safe guarding your heart…you find yourself rejected because you were performing a balancing act and fell chest first

There it goes…that Human feeling…called caring

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My Vote

Last night I felt it, down by Rockefeller Center…you could almost hear it… a faint buzz in the air. Excitement. The Plaza was a blaze in the colors of our nation…promoting, enticing the citizens at large to cast their ballots and vote on Election Day.

Amid the darkness of my room my cell phone alarm rang…3am. I fought against the warmth of my bed and made way to the shower. Seriously only the need for true change would have another up at that hour, much less up at that hour to travel to Queens from Brooklyn, all because she never changed her voter’s registration to her current address.

But like the buzz that I felt in the air last night I was bubbling with anticipation. An hour and 17 minute ride, plus a 3 minute walk and I was going to be part of hundreds of thousands that was going to be making a difference. Casting my vote so my voice and opinion can be heard.

I’m not a stranger to voting. When I turned 18 I went to the polls to help bring Bill Clinton into office…but back then I had my mother shadowing me. I wanted her to witness her youngest take part in one of the greatest acts of patriotism.

This time around all I had all I had during my train ride, back to a place I had spent some of my happiest times was the heat of her voice whispering “ I am so proud of you.”

Down at the school I was happy to see that I wasn’t the first one there despite the 5:45a time. Within minutes the line outside the school had grown and was curved around the block. And when I closed my eyes and took in the cool, crisp fall air I could feel that buzz…like a fly circling your head…of excitement.

Once behind the black curtain I pulled the lever right and turned a knob to X mark my vote…turning the lever left and paused for a moment and I could feel my mother’s hand on my shoulder as it was back in when I was 18 voting in 1996, saying “I am so proud of you.”

For all my quipping and complaining I did something today that regardless of the outcome I will be able to tell my children and my grandchildren and God willing my great grandchildren that I stood for A CHANGE and I marked it with an X.

Happy with your Happiness

One of my closest friends is at a good, decent point in her life. After months, shit, what has felt like years, I am slowly getting back to that good, decent place in my life. But the both of us are so afraid to smile, laugh, do a little dance in honor of our happiness because in the past we never really stay happy for long.

How do you enjoy your happiness without looking over your shoulder, wondering, counting the days of it lasting?
There have been times when I didn’t look over my shoulder and I was so blindsided that I was engulfed in darkness, each moment in life happiness or not was all covered in a haze of gray.

It reminds me of after my mom died and how I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to my dad and sister. I was blindsided by her death and thought that thinking the worst would protect them and myself from the worst.

Fear of what you can’t control can be the most debilitating emotion.

I can do what I can to continue on the path of bliss and contentment and swerve into full blown happiness each step of the way taking it one happy moment at a time, focusing on that and nothing else.

Or

I can let that fear of what I can’t control…control me.

Hmmmm, a bubble

There are times when I wish that I could live my life in a bubble. Not necessarily in a bubble per say…I don’t want a film of plastic to be wrapped around my body. I just want to be able to have certain things bounce off of me. I don’t want words or actions getting under my skin.

Try as I might, they do. They fester and I get pouty and that doesn’t do anyone any good, because when I get pouty I tend to get bitchy. I don’t like the Bitchy Indifference. Isn’t that even an oxymoron…if I don’t give a shit why am I bitchy. …because let’s face it. I am not as indifferent as I would like to be…in fact I care far too much…and THAT is why I need a bubble

Never easy

Honesty is a hard action, it’s a hard emotion…but I do it because I want people to be honest with me.

Sometimes I am surprised but the reaction my honesty gets and other times…not so much.

Sail away…sell away

Making a list of what you own is one thing, but making the same list and affixing a price to said items is something entirely different.

Items that once expressed my success in life are now going to in turn help me sustain life.

I won’t lie… I am sad. I feel as if I will be saying goodbye to a part of my past. But after all they are material items…items that when the time is right I can buy again if I so chose to.

I did one thing right…

When I moved into my current apartment I told myself that I wouldn’t be staying that long and that I couldn’t buy a whole bunch of crap and recreate the clutter that I had in my previous apartment.

This weekend I started packing. No matter how much you have, nor what size apartment, packing and moving is a daunting task that not many enjoy and look to with fear.

I usually like moving, it signifies a sort of rebirth to me.

I managed, with the help of my wonderful sister, to pack most, if not all my stuff…you know the stuff that is just hanging around that you really don’t use on a daily basis. The books, the DVD”s, the family photos ( I have a wallet size one that I carry), personal papers that you can’t throw out…tax refunds, that 7th grade award winning poem you wrote.

I have been in my apartment for 7 months. The only thing that I have accumulated are books and a few DVD’s. And since the apartment is a little on the small side I never really took everything out of the boxes anyway.

The last time I moved it was a mission and I vowed that I would never pack in such a haphazard sort of way. Throwing things in boxes, no labeling, throwing things out because I just didn’t want to pack.

No, this time I did the right thing.

What really surprises me is that I thought I had a lot more stuff…

Serenity Prayer

I didn’t grow up religious. I grew up knowing or rather believing in a God and learning that there are things in life that happen for no apparent reason that us…mere mortals can’t see and nor truly understand.

I have long ago desired peace and serenity in my life. What person wouldn’t? There have been times when I have focused on changing what was not in my power to change. And equally there have been times when I have had the power to ensue change but have done nothing to do so.

During the harder times of my life I have taken to reciting the Serenity Prayer, if only to give me strength and peace of mind to continue on with my life. And to learn the valuable lesson that God is here guide with prayer and faith to help me along the path of life.

It is up to me to do what I can to make it better…and to steer clear of what is not in my hands to change. Understanding the difference of the two is the key to happiness.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”