Friends with the Ex a.k.a A Waste of Time???

Recently the man that I was dating/talking to/fucking ( I really don’t know what we were)…the man I spent time with said that he wanted us to be “just friends”

Why does that bother me?  Probably because it tends to make me believe that we weren’t friends in the first place and now we should start. That if we aren’t sleeping together we need to be friends. Why do we need to be anything? Can’t we just walk away from each other?

Honestly our relationship never really felt like one of a friendship. Our conversation mainly consisted of  “I missed you” and ” you make me feel so good”. We never went any where, but in our defense $$$ was tight. At times when I really needed him he was no where to be found and when he did do something for me (feed my cats while I went away for the weekend) he also read my private journal…Do you do that to your friends?

He got a little miffed that I didn’t want to be his friend and that I’d rather just be his lover (he’s good in bed and a girl has needs). I don’t know maybe I’m still hurt by his choice to stop seeing me or maybe I just realized that we had no friendship and there really is no reason to start one now.

I’m just one of those people that doesn’t see the need of being friends with the ex. Maybe it’s because the guy always ended up leaving me in a way that affords no closure so in my eyes being their friends just seems to keep that wound open. There is also the thought that many of my “relationships” have a heavy sexual content and I feel that contact will only allow them to think that I can be kept in their little black book.

I do miss him, I’m lonely, but I was also lonely when I was “seeing” him. Nothing new there.

His birthday is coming up and I know that if I send him an email (I deleted his number so I can’t call) he is going to think that he can spearhead a friendship. I don’t want that…but the time we did spend together was fun and I wish it could have grown into something deeper and more AND it’s his birthday. Everyone likes BDay wishes… I’m unclear on what to do.  I have “good girl” tendencies that seriously need to die out. I know I shouldn’t be giving this more thought.  I shouldn’t think about doing anything that might make him think we can be buddies. But fuck me… I am!!!

Balancing Act- being the friend

It’s a roller coaster

Start as friends knowing you will turn into lovers

Lovers in a world of their own break off when one wants to expand the options

Left to either lose that lover, first that friend you stick around balancing your feelings

Your actions speak of love but your words border on indifference

You can feel the suffocating weight of yourself falling deeper and deeper into this person that doesn’t want you as whole, keeps you at a distance

You back off, space, not because you really want it, you really need it

How foolish will you seem if you fell for someone when you were clearly told that what you want they don’t

Yet life works its way in between…a friend is needed and despite what you know is best for you…you offer what has always been there for the taking…your heart

Much like before it isn’t wanted … safe guarding your heart…you find yourself rejected because you were performing a balancing act and fell chest first

*Excerpt from Circles*

I have taken so many pills in the last two days that I can start my own pharmacy within my body.

The blow that I have shot up my nose has burned out whatever remaining tissue I have left.

I’m sitting in her bathroom, toilet paper shoved up my nose. My head feeling like a tornado whirling over a Kansas cornfield.

I told her that I would stop. The high is no longer lasting enough.
My passionate…second lover.

Sadly she wishes my passion was for her. Sadly I can’t tell her that the reason I even looked in her direction was because of the drugs she now wants out of my system. She wants purity. I fear reality.

Yellow Light…Red Light…Green Light…GO!!!

I have processed the pain and the anger. I have forgiven myself…yellow light.

 

I have distanced myself, declined to hangout, said no to the late night calls. Sheltered myself within a shell. I have been alone…red light.

 

But I can’t get passed…GO…green light.

I’m stalling because I don’t really know how to shift in order to meet my needs. I hit reverse when I should hit park. I hit park when I should be driving. I’m in neutral when I should be in reverse.

 

And I don’t want another lesson…I want to be on the road, moving smoothly, wind in my face, doing the miles at the highest speed.

 

And I won’t pull over again. I can’t pick up another passenger that isn’t sure of where they need to go, where they WANT to go.

 

I want a backseat driver that is willing to take the ride…with me…all the way home. Afterall cars are made for paasengers…riding alone just ain’t as fun.

 

But I’m scared. I shouldn’t be..I am an old pro at this. I can do it in my sleep…yet my hands get shaky, and my heart beats fast. Fear that I shouldn’t have keeps me pressing on the BREAKS…WHY??? I can go where I want to go.

 

I have made it there before. Yeah, I crashed and burned…plenty of times done because I wasn’t paying attention, saw pretty things, wanted to stop and view, alone, instead of continuing on with my back seat driver…other times because I let the passenger take the wheel when they didn’t know how to drive… Happy to release total control.

 

This is my car DAMN IT!!!

 

I NEED TO CONTROL THE WHEEL…AND THE SPEED…AND THE DESTINATION.

 

Can that be done if I allow another person to take the ride?

 

Maybe… Two drivers down the road of life is always better than one. If the passenger understands me, and if I understand them. They must understand that the car is the heart, the main tool to get us where we want and need to go. We share the burdens, deal with the speed together, we stop as one and view…we both have our hands on the wheel. We become partners. Once that is understood…we CAN ride this baby into the sunset…

Well Wishes From My Former Boss

So I finally sat down and wrote an email to my former boss. I just wanted to touch base, say Hello. We worked great together and we were friends. I regret quitting my job everyday and everyday I want to go and beg for my job back…and days after I quit I did…but there is much to be said about “thinking before you speak” or in my case, thinking before you text message.

She wishes me well and says that she hopes I find something far better and hopefully I will be able to put my writing talents to good use.

I’ve come to learn that I don’t have many skills and I can’t afford to go back to school. I’ve been told that I am too qualified for retail but unqualified for administrative work…so where does that leave someone like me.

I made jokes to friends that when I quit I will become a stripper or go into porn. We live in a society where sex sells and if it’s one skill I posses…I am sexy, LOL

But stripping and porn isn’t the industry I want to be in…unless I have a chance to run the club or be behind the camera.

I thought about asking for my job back again…figure what do I have to lose…pride? Pride went out the window a long time ago.

Right now I am just trying to survive…and not doing a good job of it.

I hate job hunting

You have got to be kidding me if you think I actually believe that while I am supposed to be poised and friendly that I also NEED to have a 4 year degree to answer phones.

Look, I am totally in awe of those that made it work for them…school was never my thing…I was definitely one of those kids that wanted to play in the sandbox instead of going back to the classroom…and that was even on the rainy days.

I don’t think I should be punished because I don’t have a 4 year degree. I mean if an employer REALLY just wants someone to pick up the phone, greet guest, sort mail (now there is one difficult task….sorting mail…WTF!!!), then having a degree wouldn’t be required. AND IT IS…just look at monster.com and hotjobs.com
But it is…jobs that used to required only a pretty face and a decent body have now become jobs that require a B.A.

Reason number 1 why I never left my former job in 8 years.

Besides being shunned by the 4-year degree club I have also learned that temp and placement agencies are put on this Earth not to help you find a job, but to instill fear in your heart. I know how to use MS Office…but if I’m forced to show that I know what I’m doing I get all clammy and my heart races at a speed that kinda feels like I’m on speed.

I don’t want to be tested EVERY single time I go to an agency…why can’t Microsoft come up with a program that test a person’s level of skill, and the results can be email to different parties. That would save time and make everyone’s job (and those trying to get jobs) easier.

And if it sounds like I am whinning…GOOD because I am. I know that I’m smart and I am capable of making your coffee and answering the phone, and even filing away that paperwork…See it just a job…if it was meant to mean more…there would be 4 year degree in Admin/Receptionist Management.

Excerpt from my heart

You told me not to care, that I shouldn’t allow what others think of me or the fact that no one might not be thinking of me at all, bring me down.
It’s a hard thing for me to do when I am an emotional person.
I’m a water sign.
In one week summer will be over and what you did to me still hurts.
But I shouldn’t care that while I spent my summer grieving over a relationship that you never wanted, you’re living your life, trying to ignore that fact that you created this.
I shouldn’t care that you’re a very busy man and while you appreciate me asking you to hangout, watch a movie, it isn’t something you “really” want to do or you would have suggested it.
I feel, and I fear that I always will, that you feel sorry for me.
And that is why you wanted the “clean slate”.
You wanted to hang around and make sure that I didn’t let my life go to waste…while I sit and try to make sense of how I allowed you to hurt me.
And I shouldn’t care that I am a person guilt has forced you to stay in contact with.
And I shouldn’t care…that you are one of those people that is bringing me down.

I remember when the phone would ring and it would be him on the other end…breathing so deeply I thought he was asleep…I know I was.
I remember when hearing his name didn’t fill me with a regret so deep that I didn’t want to move backwards, forwards, or stay in the present.
I’m attempting to move on from a broken heart. And let me tell you this isn’t the first time and probably won’t be my last…But it is the one that is felt the deepest because…no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let go.

I want to hate him but with everything inside me I know that hating him isn’t being fair…But where was fair a month ago?

I remember when we were sitting in my apartment, holding each other, laughing.

I remember when we climbed into my bed and the whispered the words “I love you”

I remember when he took those very same words back and expected me to be fine.
It was as if my heart was ripped from my body, all mangled and bleeding…and he said “Here you take it …I don’t want it anymore”
I remember when the tears ran down my cheeks in a speed that I couldn’t compare to those I felt the day my mom died.

I remember when my mind broke because it couldn’t make sense of what my heart was feeling.
I remember when I didn’t know him.
Now I am left trying to remember a reason why I should.

Eraser- (one woman’s story)

The lights are bright, so bright that they almost blind me. They tell me to close my eyes. If I do that I will remember. I don’t want to remember.

But I do it anyway. I count down from 10 and before I know it I am waking up on a muggy, almost gray summer morning. Way too early for me. Yet I do it because you asked me to. Because I feel I have to prove something to you.

Thank God, I already had my clothes laid out. I dressed in a hurry, not paying attention to anything but the clock. My time is up so I run out the door to catch the bus.

The bus ride is slow. I try everything to keep my mind off of you, but it doesn’t work. Once off the bus the sun had completely hidden behind the clouds. There was no need for my sunglasses, other than the fact that I wanted to shield myself in some way.

I didn’t know what to expect. I was coming to you on my hands and knees, begging you to forgive me. I had nothing but those glasses to protect me from whatever you were going to dish out.

The second I stepped on the platform the train pulled up. The moment I stepped inside I knew there was no turning back. Whatever would happened I would always know that I wasn’t afraid to step up to the plate, and take a swing at the bat.

At each stop I looked at my watch, fearing I would late and you wouldn’t be home.

You were home, said you hurt your ankle, so you couldn’t come get me at the station…I had to come to you. I did it thinking I had something to prove.

Once inside your house, standing face to face with you whatever guard I had up fell to my ankles, as did my dress.

For months all I wanted was to feel your arms around me. To feel your breath on my skin.

During the time we were together I wouldn’t allow myself to think of after…What would happened between us?

Would there be an “us”?

NO!!!

You stood up, shook yourself off as if you were shaking my touch and scent off of you. Without looking at me, as you walked out of the room you said: “GET OUT!!!”

I was afraid that if I stood my knees would give out. I knew I hadn’t heard wrong…being straight forward was a trait I admired.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you, or cry in front of you. Even though the moment you spoke those words my pride and self-respect disappeared.

I went to your home, hoping you would take me back. Forgive me for choosing another man…just realize that I had made a mistake.

Instead you took your pain and threw it in my face.

You had sex with me…and then you threw me out of your house…and life.

I loved you. All I was left with was numbness, hurt and…

I remember walking out of your house the sun blinded me…just like these lights.

I open my eyes, for a moment. I need to know that this is REAL. I look to my left, the nurse is there, holding my hand.

As I drift back off to sleep I feel a small pinch…

Within a second a part of you is gone from me.

A part I will never get back because I will never get you back.

A year of my life with you in it…and it ends with me on a table, erasing you from my mind, heart and body…

Proceeding with caution

How do I make sense of the fact that I just told someone, whom loves me very much, that I can’t be with them? That I don’t want to be with them, not because I don’t love them back…but because I love them too much to stick around and watch me screw things up.

Screw things up by continuing to carry around fear and anger. I tried to explain it to him, but unless you have been hurt to the point that your only sense of recovery is cowering in a corner like a scared animal you won’t know how fear and anger can take the place of being able to love.

And when I say “love” I mean being able to be okay with allowing someone to get close enough to you so they can learn all of your secrets and your quirky ways.

It’s a game I have bet on over and over at this age I want to stop putting my chips on the table.

Because I never walk away a winner.

The house always wins…and I feel as if I have no home.

So I proceed with caution