Long time no blog…things have been at a standstill. There isn’t much to report and for once I didn’t feel the need to vent out an emotion that practically the whole world is feeling- financial frustration.

The cost of living is at an all time high because in every facet of our lives prices have gone up with the exception of our paychecks…if we are blessed to be getting a paycheck.

Back in March my company issued a pay cut of 15%. For a person that was already living paycheck to paycheck it didn’t seem to matter much…at first. How do you miss what you already didn’t have. I was already drowning in debt, had a garnishment against my pay. I was new at the company and truly felt (still do) blessed that I am working and have the option of benefits.

But as the cold months of winter turned into the murky days of spring and then the steamy days of summer what I saw as blessing began to take a new form.

I’m a person that has seen depression from many different sides and I can usually escape its clutches when I have an outlet or a source that gives me a tiny bit of pleasure. I got a part time job, felt I was doing something about a situation I had limited control over. Within two days of working I felt depression nip at my happiness. To say I was miserable at retail is understatement.

I have worked at a job where misery was my companion…but not two. With my full time job I learn to ignore because I work with good people, it is the work itself that gnaws at my spirit like a dog gnawing at the marrow of a bone, sucking me dry. But to spend my free time working in misery for an amount that wasn’t making a difference I couldn’t do. So I quit, fell to my knees and began my crawl.

I cut back where I could which wasn’t far because I didn’t have much to begin with.

My paycheck is gone before my pay week is over. I spend the next week and a half usually with nothing. Fed up with the way things were going I decided to make a change that is going to follow me for 7 years at least…I’m filing for bankruptcy.

When I went to meet with the lawyer I felt a rock of stress lift from my shoulders. All the shame and negativity that can be associated with filing I ignored because at the end of the day I knew without a doubt that I wasn’t making enough to really live let alone live and pay off my debt, and worse that wasn’t going to change any time soon.

Maybe if I acquired my debt by partying and being silly I would feel differently. For a year I lived off my credit with the full intention of paying everything back. As I should have learned the first time around I cannot, should not, will not predict the future. I didn’t know that the job I would get after the one I lost would let me go pushing further back. I didn’t know that the job I would get after would follow the economy and make me suffer for the ill management and greed of others.

I will be 32 this month my knees are blackened by the amount of crawling I have done. But don’t think that in filing it is POOF done. Bankruptcy is a costly process and yes you guessed…if I don’t have money to pay my creditors outright how do I have the money to finance a fresh start? I don’t. So in getting my fresh start I’m crawling, like always, but I’m crawling on glass. Because with each chunk of cash that I hand out I think of all that I need and have needed for months and years, really. And I doubt myself, I doubt whether I can do this and make it through.

How much strength do I have to crawl for a bit more till I am up and running.

Recently the man that I was dating/talking to/fucking ( I really don’t know what we were)…the man I spent time with said that he wanted us to be “just friends”

Why does that bother me?  Probably because it tends to make me believe that we weren’t friends in the first place and now we should start. That if we aren’t sleeping together we need to be friends. Why do we need to be anything? Can’t we just walk away from each other?

Honestly our relationship never really felt like one of a friendship. Our conversation mainly consisted of  “I missed you” and ” you make me feel so good”. We never went any where, but in our defense $$$ was tight. At times when I really needed him he was no where to be found and when he did do something for me (feed my cats while I went away for the weekend) he also read my private journal…Do you do that to your friends?

He got a little miffed that I didn’t want to be his friend and that I’d rather just be his lover (he’s good in bed and a girl has needs). I don’t know maybe I’m still hurt by his choice to stop seeing me or maybe I just realized that we had no friendship and there really is no reason to start one now.

I’m just one of those people that doesn’t see the need of being friends with the ex. Maybe it’s because the guy always ended up leaving me in a way that affords no closure so in my eyes being their friends just seems to keep that wound open. There is also the thought that many of my “relationships” have a heavy sexual content and I feel that contact will only allow them to think that I can be kept in their little black book.

I do miss him, I’m lonely, but I was also lonely when I was “seeing” him. Nothing new there.

His birthday is coming up and I know that if I send him an email (I deleted his number so I can’t call) he is going to think that he can spearhead a friendship. I don’t want that…but the time we did spend together was fun and I wish it could have grown into something deeper and more AND it’s his birthday. Everyone likes BDay wishes… I’m unclear on what to do.  I have “good girl” tendencies that seriously need to die out. I know I shouldn’t be giving this more thought.  I shouldn’t think about doing anything that might make him think we can be buddies. But fuck me… I am!!!

What can I say? What words can I use to describe how I am feeling right now? I’m hurting. I didn’t think rejection would hurt this bad, didn’t think it would sting, leave that stale taste in my mouth. But why not? It has before. So many times before I really should be indifferent to it. I want to be but that emotion in me…the one that cared for him doesn’t seem to want to let go of the raw pain of loss.

Heard it before, gone through the motions. I’ll pick myself up again. I always do but that doesn’t mean that in the meanwhile I won’t hurt.

Its not you…its me!
Its not right but I’m okay.
Another year wasted on someone that just wasn’t fucking worth the effort.

Remind yourself, J, of who you are, what you are worth and you will do just fine.

As I sit at my desk at work listening to the voice of Michael Jackson I am moved to tears that we, music lovers, have lost this amazing talent.

Every single one of his songs was sung with an emotion so rooted you couldn’t help but feel it.

As part of the public we must remember that before he was our music icon…he was a son, a brother, a friend.

May his family find peace in the love that is felt worldwide…

xoxo

Why is it that whenever I make a decision, live with it for a few days, weeks, months and then decide to ummmm….make another decision I get treated like I don’t know what I am doing and am constantly told that I am doing the wrong things…WTF???

Do you live in my shoes?

Do you echo my shadow?

What’s worse is that this treatment comes from those that are supposed to have my back…my friends, my family. These are the same people that can criticize me, saying “Well if you had stuck with this that wouldn’t be happening.”, yet these are the people that haven’t done shit to end their own complaining.

It gets to the point that I don’t want to share anything with anyone…well except with you guys…

And I can…wooohoooo……gotta love technology!!!

I am testing to see if I can REALLY post via phone…

I’m working on my dreams becoming a reality…while I work in reality while dreaming…

I have something to tell you…in the next coming days…there will be a new addition to my blog family…I’m was reading over the weekend and it hit me…I need to be writing a blog on…you are going to have to stay tuned to find out…xoxo

to those that actually read this blog…please understand that I am MULTIPLE what I write here is just a fraction of what goes through my mind…not an absolute truth